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Park Guests SUCK
dark_puck
parkguests_suck
dark_puck

Dear Guests,
  • Please keep your gorram hands out of my face. It's not funny when you do it, it will never be funny when you do it, and it reeks of infantilism. "I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you!" Y'all are in your thirties. For shame.
  • STOP IT WITH THE GORRAM BEER IN THE MAZE I SWEAR TO GOD.
  • Yeah, calling the hair in the hair room pubes? It was old last year. You're not original and you're not funny.
  • For the last time, you can't scare us. Now stop trying.
  • Yeah, calling me a frigid bitch because I told you to get off the couch next to me? That was me saving you a booting, because you and I both know that Step Two was putting your arm around my shoulders, and touching a maze employee is grounds for dismissal from the park without refund. Sometimes for several years.
  • I do not look like Sarah Palin, and neither does he! TAKE IT BACK. NOW.
  • You. Yeah, you. The jerk who scared the living daylights out of your friend? I hope security scared you just as bad. You scared your friend right into the wooden screen that I hide behind. Your friend is not a very light person, and I could have been seriously injured* if I hadn't darted to the right as soon as that screen started moving. As it was, you're responsible for the panic attack** that sent me out of the maze for several minutes.
  • Oh, and to the probable employee who sexually assaulted B tonight? You who knew our every procedure for catching bastards such as you and managed to avoid them all, thus getting away with it? Congratulations, asshole. You are the main reason several girls have decided they're not returning next year. I hope you're happy, dickless.
No love,
the Swing Shift Chick from Grimm's.

*Not trying to start wank, but I'm a pretty small girl, and simple physics were working against me.
** I have issues with being trapped stemming back from junior high.

Current Location: my bed
Current Mood: angry angry

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princesskiti22
parkguests_suck
princesskiti22
backstory: I am a masked monster in a haunted theme park maze. The official character description is "Zombie Farm Hand," so I wear overalls, which somehow manage to hide my feminine endowments. My scare tactic is to stand still in a corner & pop-out & growl at unsuspecting guests. The mask I wear greatly reduces my vision (I can't see below my nose without moving my head)

Last night a 14-year-old boy comes through with his mother & aunt, the line stops in front of me the boy goes "is he real?" then proceeds to press on my chest, I immediately growl & snap forward causing the boy to jump. He then raises his fists like he was going ot fight me. Feeling threatened (saturdays are notorious for violence against monsters) I followed the kid to my blackout (in maze security) & signaled for the kid to be removed. I returned to my position & saw the group walking out in this order : kid, blackout, mom, aunt. Now the family is pressing charges because the blackout "forcefully" removed the kid. I saw no such thing, I didn't even see the kid get touched, Hell I didn't even touch him much as I felt the urge to punch him in the face.

I hope the kid has a permenant fear of boobs since the first pair he touched he got a growl back for it.

My mom says I should press charges..... I'll have to talk to my lead tonight.

BTW: If you are in a Haunted attraction & are unsure if something is real or fake..... DON'T TOUCH IT!!!!!!!

Current Mood: aggravated aggravated

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dark_puck
parkguests_suck
dark_puck

Dear "Guests",

When coming through the haunted mazes, here are some things you should not do.

I can't believe we have to go over this yet again.

DO NOT:
  • Take flash photos in the maze. And if the employee puts his/her hand up to block the shot, don't take the picture at all. For the love of Christ.
  • Bring in your flashing lightsabres, cutie moon rods, bunny ears, devil horns, jewellry, etc., while they're still lit. It fucks up everybody's night vision.
  • Lie in wait to scare your friends. THAT IS OUR JOB. NOT YOURS.
  • Try to scare us. Seriously, it doesn't work. It takes severe effort for us to scare each other, so y'all haven't a hope in the fucking world.
  • Try to scare us by TOUCHING US. All it does is piss us off and get you booted from the park if you're caught.
  • Bring food into the maze. Sooner or later, someone with a late break is going to snap and steal whatever it is you have.
  • Bring beer cups into the maze. I don't know how the hell y'all are sneaking freaking CUPS past Park Ops, but seriously. STOP THAT. I don't want beer thrown on me.


To the guy in the Hokies hoodie who hit me in the shoulder this evening:

Your apology is NOT accepted. You did it deliberately in an attempt to scare me. Guess what? It worked. But not in the way you wanted. You see, I have minor issues stemming from junior high that make me freak out when I am either trapped or hit from behind/my blind spot. But, for once Park Ops was on the ball, and they caught you.

I might have been inclined to be more forgiving, but when I reminded you about the messages and the big freaking sign out front that says not to touch, you said, "I know."

THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO IT!?

Congratulations, twatmuffin. You got you and your friends all kicked out of the park. After three sexual assaults this year, Security is taking everything seriously. For once.

x-posted to dark_puck and customers_suck

Current Location: my bed
Current Mood: annoyed annoyed

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dark_puck
parkguests_suck
dark_puck
Time for the annual Halloween event of a certain amusement park that is no longer owned by Anheuser-Busch!

Sweet monkey Jesus on a pogo stick, it was only the first night yesterday and we got shit nobody was expecting until October.

Dear Guests:
  • Once again, the sexy costumes do not mean that Little Dead Riding Hood and Gretl want you. They are paid to wear these. Back. The hell. Off.
  • Yeah, y'all know that repetitive recording about not touching the employees? Don't do it. And especially do not act like a gorram five-year-old and repeatedly smack an employee on the hand for no reason whatsoever.
  • Don't try to freak dance with the dancing girls in the ballroom. It's not funny. It's annoying.
  • Don't pull on the Hairless Girl's wig! Holy crap, were you raised in a barn?
  • Don't. Touch. My. Hair. I will murder you if you do it again.
  • And you, the bastard who grabbed Gretl between the legs? When we catch you, we're going to hand you over to Big Dan. And then we'll hand you over to the cops, since Gretl is a minor. RUN.
In slightly more light-hearted news, I think I've figured out where people screaming at employees and trying to scare them comes from: It's a learned behaviour. Witness this conversation:


Mom: "Now, do you remember what you do when you see a scary person?"
Child: "Scream at them!"
Me: *thinking: WTF!?*



I think it may be time for a reposting of the Ten Commandments of Haunted Houses.

xposted to customers_suck  and my personal journal.

Current Location: my bed
Current Mood: enraged enraged

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danceswthcobras
parkguests_suck
danceswthcobras
Dear park guest,

Please note the rows of long, sharp, conical teeth on our crocodiles.  If you stop and think about it a moment, you will realize that they are not really well suited for eating pumpkin seeds.  Not only do the animals not appreciate it if you throw seeds at them, but I will have to go inside the crocodile exhibit and clean up the mess you made before it rots and makes the animals sick. 

Those sharp, conical teeth on our crocodiles are not good for eating pumpkin seeds, but they are good for eating zookeepers, so I would like to cordially request that you go do something more constructive with your time than throwing things in our croc exhibit.  Like playing on the freeway. 

No love,

An annoyed zookeeper

Current Mood: annoyed annoyed

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crazy_dragon
parkguests_suck
crazy_dragon
ok doing a tour around the african habitate on a truck and as im talking about one of the animals i hear the gate on the truck open and i turn back to see this lady jump out screaming in joy and running to our zebras where we have a few baby ones. i have to jump out as well to grab this lady before the male zebra charges. the crazy thing is that at the time there well well over 20 animals in the area that could have hurt us. grrrrr
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hawaiidolphin
parkguests_suck
hawaiidolphin
I hate the on season. Passionately. I dread the passing of the rains because it means the crazies come to the Zoo to display their poor parenting.
-Why yes, those are in fact sharks. Big black ones, in fact. Now, let me answer your question with this question: WHY ARE YOU DANGLING YOUR CHILD OVER THE RAILING? They are sharks. This is pretty evident. Nothing in that tank looks remotely friendly. WHYWHYWHY?
Same goes for the idiots that do this over the Belugas. Oh, the beluga would carry little Timmy to safety if he fell? *headwall*. Wild animals, crazy lady. WILD ANIMALS. I hope you get hypothermia.
- As I ramble about the pretty tropical fish, STFU! It's a small area with a lot of people I must project towards. If you have a question, that's fine, but do not interrupt me to ask me if the big endangered one is "good eatin'". I will get mad at you. Yeah, bad_service and all that, but it's rude and mean. I care for these amazing animals all day, comments like that are not acceptable. Next time, I swear I will ask if their child is "good eatin'".
- Yes, those are our volunteer divers in the tank with our sharks. They are rescue-diver certified and extensively trained. No, you may not go in. But you've been snorkelling in the Bahamas? Oh, well, that totally makes it okay. What are people honestly expecting me to say when they suggest crap like this?
-I'm sorry you don't like all the construction near the front, but Animal Avenue is nearing completion and you should come back on memorial day weekend to see it! What's that? You want to see the animals NOW? Uh, they're in our Hospital for quarantine. That's okay, you say? You're clean? I won't elaborate on this further, the vein in my forehead is telling me to quit while ahead. You can fill in the ensuing argument.
I love my job, but I'm so glad I'm working elsewhere for the summer (Hawaii here I come!). I just can't take the crazy in doses this great.

Oh, awesome audience man, you made my whole life this week. As I fed the tropical fish (exhibit to my back as I shpeeled), you burst out singing "That's Amore". I thought you were crazy, but I turned around and saw our leopard moray emerging for some tasty mackerel. I never hear seriously funny stuff at work, that was very clever and funny. I applaud you and award you a handful of tasty krill.
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cat_herder
parkguests_suck
cat_herder
You know. Where the giant insects in bright primary colors are? Where the ground is that squishy safety paving? Where there are obvious climbing structures? Near the loo that has the changing table? Where the sign says "CHILDREN'S ZOO"?

The playground is not the large fake rock formation designed to keep you out of the lion's exhibit. Yes, I know the tots *can* climb it. That does not mean they *may* climb it. Would you have them climb the chain link into the tiger habitat? They *can* do that, but I will wager you would not let them.
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crazy_dragon
parkguests_suck
crazy_dragon
For all of the jerks who bag on the glass to try and get the animal to look at you for your kid or a photo..please stop and tell your little spawns to stop doing it as well. the animals could care less that your there and will do what they please. they see people everyday and hear the banging everday to the point they block it out.

Dont bang on the glass when i am in there as well setting down some treats screaming at me like i cant hear you when i can asking when the animals are coming back out because it took you all day to find the hab and they are not out. Im sorry if im trying to enrich my animals with a treat but i think you can wait on darn minute for me to set all the gates in place before letting th animal back out.

DONT FEED THE WILDLIFE OR THEY WILL ATTACK!!!
please read and burn it into your skulls you crazy people

ok im done for now...let me work a few more hours and see what comes of it. sigh
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parkguests_suck
orkidgal
Why yes, I am indeed carrying a large bucket of frozen fish, how observant of you!
-Yes, they are in fact real.
-I promise, they are real. No, you can't touch to prove it. They're icky and you're ickier.
-No, really, I wouldn't waste my time carrying heavy buckets of plastic fish.
Onward....
-No, we aren't feeding the animals right now. These fish are frozen.
-"But Belugas love frozen fish". Oh really, good to know you know how to do my job, otherwise the poor things would starve.
-SOLID FROZEN. No I can't microwave them so your kid can see the Beluga/Shark/Walrus eat. They've been fed. I don't feed animals for your child's delight.
-Yes, they are real. I'm not trying to trick you.

Day after day....
God I can't wait for my new job (helloooooo Hawaii!)
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